Where to start?

   I'm not sure where to start.  Let just start be saying that the last several weeks have been long & emotionally draining to say the least!  I'm not sure how to fully explain with all the identity editing that would be required.....let's give it a try!

-  The "bigs" start to school was slow & caotic.  Here we are 5 weeks into school, several conversations & meetings later and they are just now having their IEP's set into motion !  When my Anthony's asking not to go to school you know there's a problem !!

-  For sensory reasons school has been becoming increasingly difficult for my Ana.  Academically she has no issues, she's exceeding her grade level.  She & I were so hopeful that this year would go smoother than last because she was going to have the same teacher, classroom, desk etc.....not so much ! ( this is the part that requires a tonne of editing !!!).  Let's just say that I feel all the finger pointing should be directed at someone else !!

-  So if Ana's day to day school issues weren't enough.....We then were sent into an emotional tail spin following an abusive verbal meltdown by a veteran teacher who was subbing in her class.  Three days of solid raging like we've never been though before.  Which resulting into her feeling so worthless that she went for the knife in an attempt to end it herself......

-  Not everything is a mess !  Liam is having a GREAT start to grade 1 & full time school.  However, there is a underlying sadness.  He has announced to several of us that " Last year I was stupid !  Ms. Janveau is such a good teacher now I'm learnin stuff !!" - ( the truth is that he only 6yrs old, has mastered his phonics and is on the verge of reading any day now, He's got a brain like a sponge...animals, dino's, bugs, you should see him build stuff, What 6 year old do you know who understands the importance of rebar ?...he's anything but STUPID !!)  More editing of my opinions.......I'm pleased to see that his current teacher Ms. Janveau truly sees my boy & likes him !!!

So where am I in all of this?  Well, I'm doing my best to hold us all together.  I've been seriously fighting the urge not to just tell everyone off !  My head still hurts from all the crying & being angry ! In the end I know the flaws of the systems in place and know that freaking out won't help any of us.  I've been working closely with our mental health team.  Having meetings with doctors, therapist, teachers, playing by the rules and being as upfront & honest as always.  However, my urge to hide out is ever increasing.  My tired emotional self has been eating way to many cookies and the weather has made it easy to not get out and walk.

Since I can't just "fix" my kids or the system and despite all my efforts I can't erase all the trauma...do you think maybe, just maybe people can just follow the law, ethic & procedures that they agreed too when they chose their careers & signed their contracts?  Apparently that's too much to ask !!!

I'm seeing some major changes soon......let's just say my loyalty to the public school system is vanishing quickly !!!  If I was granted a magic wand I'd form my own little education squad made up of the few excellent professional that have rallied around my precious little clan.  I wonder what the unions would think of that?  I'd promise to always be respectful & be a good member of the team and if that's not enough I'll feed them REALLY well !!!!

Redirection, Distraction, Satisfaction, back to Redirection.....

Well that pretty much some things up around here these last few days.  Four more day until we head back to school.  I've had a chance to chat with both schools and caught up with a few of our teachers.  Would really LOVE to hear back from the school board regarding K & A's new designation.  Left several messages back in June...no response.....left another one this morning.....no response....errrr!

I've been doing a whole lots of keeping them busy these last few days.  We've been:

playing with friends,

reading lots of books in an effort to help some short people's withdrawl from being plugged in so much,

running, walking, climbing what ever it takes to burn off all kinds of crazy energy. I wish the pool had stayed open just one more week !

Blackberry jamming, Blackberry coblering, Blackberry pancaking,

I'd like to say that all my efforts have maintain a happy peaceful home...well not so much !  Everyone is ramping up despite all my efforts.  This week we visited with both Danielle ( child & youth mental health) & Dr. Lund ( ped.).  Lots of support planning and a little med tweeking.  Here's hoping next week won't be a total dissaster. 

 
Found out today that the kids PAA ( post adoption assistance) will cover some added medical expenses coming up.  It all helps !  So thankful to my mom and her savvy shopping skill...the kids are all set for the Fall.  Was able to sign Anthony up for Junior Rangers...he's so pleased. Let's hope this group works out for him.  Despite this difficult period, I'm looking forward to the Fall.  Getting back into my school kitchen with the kids....all kinds of good ideas flowing.

Calm

 I just finished putting Ana's room back together.  My three oldest went to the pool so it was the perfect opportunity.  A quiet house, where my doing so won't trigger another freak out !  My pal Melissa had just asked me on FB is it's possible for Ana to " help" put her room bake in order after a " RAGE".  This is my answer:

"Even the mere suggestion can send her into a rage. Not because she doesn't want to take responsibility, but because it reminds her of being out of control. She doesn't now where to start( ADHD), can't part with anything ( RAD) she just shuts down ! Since that day she will barely even go near her room. If I try even suggesting it she goes into a panic attack ( crying, snot running, drooling, histaria because it's " Too Scary"). She'll bribe, beg just about anything to be anywhere but !!!"

 While cleaning I was thinking how I feel when my environment is messy/unorganized.  Unsettled is the answer.  I however compared with my kids personally have the ability to recognize the problem, formulate a plan of attack and put into action on my own.

There are still to many things out for my liking.  At the top of my " To Do List" will be to purchase the piece of ply wood to repair her closet shelf and some plain curtains for her & Keish's closets and windows to minimize the visual input.  Now off to remove the huge bag for the thrift store......

My very own " Jillian Jiggs"

I have always enjoyed the " Jillian Jiggs" children series written by Phoebe Gilman.  I started reading the series to my Ana when she was barely sitting.  I walked into her room yesterday after her morning of "raging" to this !  It's not the first time & I'm absolutely positive it won't be the last.  The first, correct that the second thing that popped into my head was...." Jillian, Jillian, Jillian Jiggs !  It looks like your room has been lived in by pigs ! " I started to say this out loud, she joined in with a big smile.....me with a big "sigh". 

I wonder how things will look when she's 16 ?