Quiet doesn't always equal peaceful......

This past week or so has been long.......full of dealing with the tough stuff !  Coming to terms with the fact that I don't have all the answers and it's okay, that I'm still really mad about the investigation and the traumatic effect it has had on our life for the long haul, that I may not be able to prevent my beautiful little girl from living a life with mental illness and another from loosing her mobility.  Coming to terms with the fact that life continues on and relationships evolve and change even it you don't want them to and that some won't ever be what I need or desire them to be......I wish my heart and mind were more on the same page it would make things less conflicting.  That I can trust my new friends to know all the messy details and accept their offers of support without looking over my shoulder.  That I can and will continue to make all the unpleasant decisions that I wish no mother would be called to do.....Lately, I've been feeling a bit alone in the world and wishing I had someone to share in this journey I'm on with ( if only I could trust myself enough to make a better choice the next time).  I really dislike crying, I know it's important to allow myself to let it out, I just feel weak and out of control......

I just keep trying to find balance....my head keeps reminding me of the hard facts, details & normal processes !  My heart is just feels so sad & tired.  Then I swing into feeling selfish....Vanessa & Ray just lost their home and everything they own.....get some perspective women !  The reality is I'm not alone.  I share my life with 4 amazing young people, lots of "chosen" family & friends and am slowly realizing that I am part of an amazing community.....I just need to let them in.....sometimes I just wish I could go back to my former naive self, who just had faith that people were good at heart and that in the end you can trust them to try to do the right thing.....