Calm

 I just finished putting Ana's room back together.  My three oldest went to the pool so it was the perfect opportunity.  A quiet house, where my doing so won't trigger another freak out !  My pal Melissa had just asked me on FB is it's possible for Ana to " help" put her room bake in order after a " RAGE".  This is my answer:

"Even the mere suggestion can send her into a rage. Not because she doesn't want to take responsibility, but because it reminds her of being out of control. She doesn't now where to start( ADHD), can't part with anything ( RAD) she just shuts down ! Since that day she will barely even go near her room. If I try even suggesting it she goes into a panic attack ( crying, snot running, drooling, histaria because it's " Too Scary"). She'll bribe, beg just about anything to be anywhere but !!!"

 While cleaning I was thinking how I feel when my environment is messy/unorganized.  Unsettled is the answer.  I however compared with my kids personally have the ability to recognize the problem, formulate a plan of attack and put into action on my own.

There are still to many things out for my liking.  At the top of my " To Do List" will be to purchase the piece of ply wood to repair her closet shelf and some plain curtains for her & Keish's closets and windows to minimize the visual input.  Now off to remove the huge bag for the thrift store......

Could this really be true?

As Keisha has been getting closer & closer to puberty my worry has been increasing. How would the change in hormones effect her, subsequently all of us who live with her?  How do I keep my dangerously niave, stunningly beautiful girl safe?  What can I do as her mother to change the pattern of addiction & low standard of living that has ravages it's way through her birthfamily?  Genetics, RAD & FASD make a difficult maze to navigate.

As she is my first teenage daughter this will be an adventure for both of us.  Since she moved in at 3, I have been encouraging modesty.  Which for most children is a natural awareness.  Not for my girl.  With the consistent help & support of our family& friends she seems to have some concept of physical boundaries now.  This has taken a huge amount of repetition & consistency from everyone in her life. She is no longer wrapping herself around random strangers.  However, her impulse to " hug-on" people has not mellowed at all. I don't suppose I'll ever truly let my guard down. 

Over the last 6 or so months her body has started to change...puberty is here !  She's now needing to wear a bras with everything, deodorant is a must, she's asked me about shaving her legs & such and her cycle has started( without out any major side effects) !!!  However, there have been some unexpected perk.  The girl who has never slept well is finally sleeping. She's still taking melatonin and I've maintained her regular sleep routine.  She's now falling asleep within an hour or so and staying asleep throughout the night.  She hasn't been sleep walking/wondering during the night.  And if that wasn't enough there hasn't been any food hoarding for months now.  I'm crossing my fingers...here's hoping that this is not just another phase !!

Friday Fridge dinner

You know when you hit the end of a really long week...having not to make dinner can sound super appealing !  Tonight I stood in front of the fridge pondering.....until I realized that we had enough left-overs to go around....yippee me !!  All I had to do was heat a couple of thing, throw some whole wheat pasta on & slice some veggies to balance out the choices.

I count myself super lucky that I have good eaters.  They've been known to argue over the last spear of asparagus...really.  With all the hurdles we have around here I'm so relieved that food isn't usually one of them !!!

My very own " Jillian Jiggs"

I have always enjoyed the " Jillian Jiggs" children series written by Phoebe Gilman.  I started reading the series to my Ana when she was barely sitting.  I walked into her room yesterday after her morning of "raging" to this !  It's not the first time & I'm absolutely positive it won't be the last.  The first, correct that the second thing that popped into my head was...." Jillian, Jillian, Jillian Jiggs !  It looks like your room has been lived in by pigs ! " I started to say this out loud, she joined in with a big smile.....me with a big "sigh". 

I wonder how things will look when she's 16 ?

Rage

is exhausting........can you imagine living everyday with a constant level of rage brewing in you?  I'm trying too !

Being it's buffer, it's target and it's guardian is pretty intense some days.  After an hour & a half she's trying to self regulating in the shower.....I can hear her scolding herself......she's sitting on the floor of the shower sobbing.....I'm trying to stay calm....calm will help her.....stressed will not !

Inside I'm crying for her & wondering if any of what I'm doing is really going to help her learn how to manage her rage gremlin?

Fi Fy Fo Fum.....

Can you guess where my little boy is ?

Once upon a time....

there was a momma who lived in a mish mash of a little house with.....

walls to be painted.......

floors to be cleaned & repaired.....

cupboards to be sorted.......

stuff to be organized.......

space to be found.......

Then one day she stumbled across a great appliance sale !!! With dreams of a organized, uncluttered finished home with coordinated walls & trim.....she set to work.....

to be continued......

A Special Glimps........

 ( Confidentiality is huge in our home.  There is so much that is not shared publicly out of respect for my little ones privacy.  I have been given special permission to share this glimps with all of you, our online friends & family.) 

( this great pic was taken by my super talented  Vanessa )

This handsome boy is "J".  "J" joined our family when he was 10 days old.  He was such a snuggler.  We all fell really hard for him instantly.  When "J" was 14 months old he moved out....this was not our choice !  At the time of his moving I had just finished being investigated for neglect & abuse.  Which of course I was cleared of.  One of the pains of working with in a system like fostering ( well at least here in Canada) is that there is this thing I like to call the human factor.  Each province has it's set policies/rules, however each region/district/office/worker has room to interpret them their own way. It only takes one worker to decide your "commitment to this child is finished".  To bad that's not how my heart works !!!

Several months ago I received an email from "J's" new mom.  You may remember this post . Thanks to Google Jody was able to search out my contact info.  How great is that !  We have emailed back & forth, chatted on the phone, are following each others blogs and if that not special enough....we've now had the opportunity to play !

Our visit went better than I had expected in some ways & as expected in others.  Jody had warned me that "J" has taken to being shy with new people.  Which is totally normal with all that as gone on in his short life since leaving us.  However, he wasn't shy at all with the kids....to their delight !  Jody & I had also spoken about what she could expect from "Me" in regards to "J".  Everything about my parenting is about what is in the child's best interest.  I reassured her that it was no way my intention to swoop him up in my arm showering him my emotions.  Don't get me wrong I'm full of emotion for this little guy and if he wanted it I would have loved to have a good snuggle.  The reality is that he doesn't remember me.  I'm a stranger to him.  I remember every little detail of the first 14 months of his life.  He does not.  I've been asked by many " Do you think he remembered you?".  The answer to this question is layered.  I do not think he has any conscious memory of us.  If anything he may have some physical memory.  I hope his heart remembers being loved, being adored, being someones priority....

 I feel super fortunate to have been invited back into "J's" life.  I warms my heart that he has been matched with such an amazing mother and family. Jody told me that she " prayed for this wonderful boy".  What she doesn't know is that I was praying for him to be matched with her.  I strong compassionate women who would love him with every fiber of her being.  That he would be surrounded by a strong united open minded family where " loves means everything not blood".

Chilliwack - playing

This time around I scheduled us to hang out in Chilliwack for a whole week.  My sis Marina & her little guy Connor came out to camp with us for the last four days.  We played, made several trips to the lakes, visited some farms, local small businesses & spent some great time just being with each other.  It was Great !!!

We were so not ready to leave.......

Chilliwack - Jim's birthday

This handsome guy is my dear friend Jim and it was his 35th birthday right at the beginning of our visit.  I love this shot of him.  It's rare to catch him relaxed around a camera.  I was being cheeky & he couldn't help himself !!  I just called to ask his permission to blog it...he said " sure, as long as there are good ones !"  Well I hope he agrees...cause here it is......

Jim, Joy, Hailie along with Jim's sister Angela & her man Jorge, his uncle Danny, aunt Joy and three of their grandkids came out to our campsite for a birthday BBQ.  It was really hot so baby James stayed home with his Nana.  We ate way to much, had a crazy fun water fight and really enjoyed celebrating with each other.

It's going to be a GREAT year Jim....I just know it !!!

Love you !

The Edmonton leg......

Our visiting time in Edmonton was way to short !!  We hung with my sis & family for most of the weekend. Josh & Anthony squeezed in every gaming minute available & went off to see a " guys" movie in 3D on their own while us " Girls" & littles did some shopping & lots of baking.  Thanks Josh for being such a committed uncle !!! Cheryl was nice enough to give me complete access to her nice new kitchen.  In return I indulged our sweet tooth with a little, okay maybe a not so little cheesecake smuthered in fresh berries Mmmmm.  Had a VERY special visit with a special guy from our past ( post coming soon) & visited with Melissa & her crew then it was time hit the road again.

I think next time we'll need to plan at least a week if not two !!!