Last night my big boy & I had yet another one of those conversation......
Me - Son, I just received another note on FB from BM(birthmom), Do you want to see it?
Tony - reluctant okay.......Why does she do that?
Me - Do what?
Tony - write little things like that to us on your computer & FB? I don't use your computer....Why can't she actually write me or call?
Me - I'm not sure son, probably because FB is the easiest option.
Tony - Why did she say " They r my kids ! "
Me - You remember back a while ago when she was sending those long note wanting all kinds of stuff? I wrote back to her, saying what you said & asking her to respect your space. I don't think she believes that that is how you feel. The " they r my kids" is because she's think her rights to you are more than mine !
Tony - Why would she think that? I haven't seen her since I was really little.....I don't remember much but what I do is all bad ! The last time she called was that time when Keisha answered the phone...when was that? She goes away for big chunks of time then comes back like nothings happened. She lies to us all the time. Your my mom not her !
Me - I know that ! I think she feels that most of the painful stuff from the past is not really her fault. She just wants everyone to say they forgive her & move on. I don't think she truly understand how all of her bad choices have effected all of you guys. I don't know if she's actually capable of understanding son !
Tony - Who's fault does she think it is? She's the one who drank all that alcohol.
Me - I think it's easier to blame the social workers, judges & anyone else that were around back then. I don't think she understand how badly her drinking has effected all of you guys. Out of the eight of you.......you & " M"( oldest birthsister) are the only ones who will most likely be able to be safely independent and the two of you have had to work super hard for that.
Tony - Do you want me to talk to her?
Me - I want you to do what feels right to you. If you want to try writing her again...I'll help. If you want me to tell her again to back off I will because your still a kid and I have the right to do that for you. Even though she wants/expect you to call her " Mom" you don't have to. If you decide that it's okay too...I'll understand ! I want a lot of thing son. Sometimes I'm happy you don't remember everything any more. I also worry that because you don't remember it might be easier for you to get led into drinking & ditching school and going down the same unhealthy path most of your birth family has.
Tony - I like talking to " M ". Can we go and visit soon?
Me - I'm hoping to before you go to camp. She's been traveling a bit. I was planning on sending her a note tomorrow to see what would work for her & her family.
Tony - What about Keish?
Me - Things are different for Keish. She's not able to understand most of this. She still doesn't want to even talk about her. As you know, her brain has been extremely effected by " BM's" drinking and all the bad stuff from when you were little. I know that it might be hard but I know you can make these decisions. I'll be making them for Keish. What are you thinking?
Tony - I don't know yet ....can you send a message to " M"? I really would like to visit.
Me - Okay. I'll write her tomorrow.
How do you help a grown women with a ton of baggage understand, take some level of responsibility and respect what my kid is saying to her ?